it just hit me...

***DISCLAIMER***
this post was NOT written to solicit compliments. i don't want them :)
i just needed to write this down in case i forget it later.

5 kiddos in 7 years (one of those pregnancies being twinners) equals 3.08 years of being pregnant...160 weeks....40 months....1120 days of being pregnant. sheesh! i think i'm going to cut myself a little slack when it comes to the whole "how i think about my body" thing.

i used to wish that i was one of those women whose body literally bounced back after growing a baby inside of her. but in the last couple of days i've become okay with the fact that i'm not. seeing some recent pictures of myself made me realize i don't really look like i thought i did...but i'm pretty sure that happens to most of us, right?

but another thing happened in seeing those pictures. i noticed something else that was different than i thought it was. i've never seen myself so happy...like a good, comfortable, deep and abiding kind of happy.

and to be honest it really hasn't always been that way...and not that i ever had any real problems with depression or anything, but it took me a bit longer than most to figure out the whole lasting happiness thing...uganda, the mission, and jon all had A LOT to do with finally getting that down.

and now i realize that these 5 little munchkins are kind of like the cherry on top. something about the hardness and the happiness that is the five canlas kiddos took my self consciousness away and i know, not feel, but i know that what i look like doesn't really matter like i thought it did.

i mean i know i have pounds i need to shed to be healthier, but in the past few days it's become clear to me that loosing those pounds won't necessarily make me happier. i'm happy now. the end.

BOO!

so i forgot i took this quasimodo picture when my face had a mind of it's own...sooooo scary and sooooo not cute. now that my face is back to normal it's almost funny...almost :)

i heart technology...

it really is amazing. i can even remember getting my first email account freshman year of college in '97...yikes! and i'm not saying i'm savvy or anything...proficient? yes. savvy? no.

so because of technology, i downloaded and am now listening to this. it really lifted my spirits and gave me a little boost to be nice even though i'm not feeling so hot.

because of technology i can show you this. my sister has some amazing connection and started this discount jean business with her friend. if the words true religion, rockin' republic, or laguna beach mean anything to you, you need to contact her at {ijustcantseemtogetenough@gmail.com}. they even have trying on parties and if you host one, you'll get 10% of the profits from the orders. ***and i just found out how much these jeans usually cost...$350...GEEZOLA!!! but they sell them for $60 each...whatever size, whatever brand, whatever pair...$60 each. so if you have ever even thought about purchasing a pair of these fancy shmancy jeans or have even ever dreamt of owning a pair, now's your chance ladies!

because of technology i can also tell you about this. my other sister (along with the jean company sister) have been volunteering for Women in Philanthropy, a branch of United Way. They are in charge of gathering donated items, experiences, and services for various auctions at an annual gala Women in Philanthropy hosts to raise money for organizations that support women and children in Utah County. If you are a local business and are interested in donating an item, experience, or service for the gala, contact beal at {bootstothemoon@gmail.com}.

and best of all, because of technology i got a text today at 1:10 pm that said, "you'll never guess...we are DONE! we will be home in like 30!" jon finished his shoot early and wasn't supposed to home til 5.

so today especially, i heart technology.

it happened already?

today was a long day for isaac. last night we had a late movie night (bedknobs and broomsticks) with soda and pizza and more candy than i think we've ever had in our house, and little dude was crazy tired today. one thing led to another and around 830 i found myself standing outside his door holding it closed while he was crying and yelling on the other side, and i quote, "mom! i hate you!"

ouch.

and i know he didn't mean it. i know it was his delirious state of exhaustion that was in control. i can't even say that it hurt my feelings...i'd just gotten a big dose of perspective watching nie nie on oprah and was feeling especially calm and collected :) i just didn't think i'd hear that phrase for a few more years.

then at around 930 tonight i found myself in front of that same door holding little man in my arms...and he was crying again. but they were tears of regret. he was sorry and i knew he meant it.

he must get it from his dad. they are both so quick to apologize and tell me they are sorry. this is definitely a "like father, like son" characteristic i'm loving right now. i married a good man. the end.

favorite quotes from the past few days.....

FAVORITE QUOTE #1
i went to urgent care for some eye pain i was having. once the doctor came in and i'd told him what had been happening he said, "ok, let's just rule out herpes lesions."
(i guess if you have a cold sore or canker sore it can spread to your eyes. random.)

FAVORITE QUOTE #2
i was checking out at gap...
cashier: how are you?
me: i'm great! i just found 5 pairs of jeans that fit!
cashier: oh...(pause) are they long and lean?
me: yep.
cashier: yeah, those are my mom's favorites too. she loves them.

FAVORITE QUOTE #3
family was over for dinner tonight and before they left my sister was singing with her little 2 year old...you know...you sing a little and they finish the phrase? this was part of nigel's version of "i love to see the temple"

beal: i love to see the...
nigel: temple
beal: i'll go inside some...
nigel: day
beal: to feel the holy...
nigel: spirit
beal: to listen and to...
nigel: play (pray)
beal: for the temple is a house of...
nigel: god
beal: a place of love and...
nigel: booty (beauty)

the song goes on but i'll stop there. totally awesome. and p.s while nigel was saying the prayer for dinner...he totally burped :) soooooo funny. i'm still laughing. the end.

he makes people want to have babies....

...everyone but me :)

drugs...

that's what micah calls this photo. three of my sisters ran the top of utah marathon on saturday. after everyone had crossed the finish line and we'd all had lunch, i crashed...like i've never crashed before. and i think i only slept for an hour or so, but i was gone.

and i guess during my much needed rest, my family ensued to have a little fun at my expense :) the drugs are for the "s-i joint dysfunction" i was diagnosed with last week...i know...it make me sound so old. but i guess it's pretty normal for women who've carried babies in their bodies.

to be honest, when i saw this picture for the first time, i laughed out loud. it's funny. and i do hope to be off my drugs soon. it feels like life is almost back to our "normal" crazy instead of the "i wonder if i'm really going to loose my mind" crazy. and that's a good thing. the end.

when did this happen?

i guess this was the last shot that jon took of isaac his first day of school...and this is what he did when jon told him to smile. you think this kiddo's had his picture taken a lot? i love my little family.